Photo by Ann H
| Please note: Consistently pursuing a granular vision (aka vision script) of flourishing students, staff, and leaders helps international Christian schools to flourish. This post reflects my vision. |
What would you say if I said that the following 3 statements exemplify a flourishing person at an international Christian school?
- “I don’t feel trusted or that I belong—like I don’t matter.”
- “It’s not every day, but I feel a bit bullied, subtly manipulated, and sometimes disrespected.”
- “My boss has an inward mindset and treats me like I’m a thing—an obstacle that gets in her way or an appendage to do her bidding.”
I think you’d say, “No, those statements don’t exemplify a flourishing person.” I’d agree—which fits with my overall answer to your initial question: You can have an OK life without experiencing healthy relationships, but you can’t have a flourishing life without experiencing healthy relationships. (And you certainly won’t be flourishing if you’re experiencing unhealthy relationships.)
Let me explain my response by processing some related questions:
Question 1: What comes to mind when you think of healthy relationships?
Specifics that come to mind include speaking the truth in love (not lying and gossip), vulnerability (not invulnerability), empowered teams (not siloed soloists), and boundaries (not chaos). I also think of words, words like hearty friendship (not crippling incompatibility) and robust connection (not isolating loneliness).
To learn more, read What’s the difference between unhealthy relationships and healthy relationships?
Question 2: What do healthy relationships at an international Christian school look like to you? It looks like…
- Students consistently experiencing safe, caring, collaborative, respectful peer relationships; and caring, collaborative, respectful Christ-centered staff (see Construct: Christlike Teachers p. 15).
- Staff consistently experiencing positive, collaborative, two-way communication with parents (see Construct: Parent Relationships, p. 18); and trustworthy, supportive, respectful, empowering Christ-centered leadership (see Construct: Supportive Leadership p. 15).
- Leaders consistently experiencing a leadership team that exhibits transparency, vulnerability, healthy conflict, commitment, accountability, and a focus on team results; and a trustworthy, supportive, respectful, empowering Christ-centered board.
Now back to your original question: We can flourish without experiencing healthy relationships, right? Your question seems to assume that someone who is experiencing anything from loneliness to disrespect to the relational “blahs” is flourishing. Doesn’t sound like flourishing to me. To me, flourishing means I belong, I matter to others, I have robust connections to others.
For me, healthy relationships are integral to flourishing. ACSI agrees, as demonstrated by the inclusion of the relationship domain in its Flourishing Model, complete with 9 research-based constructs (Flourishing Schools, p. 15). ACSI also includes the relationship domain (complete with 3 standards and 9 indicators) in its new accreditation protocol.
Bottom line: Avoid the faulty assumption that you can flourish without experiencing healthy relationships.
Question 3: What other faulty assumptions might you need to address about healthy relationships? Here are 3 examples:
(1) Student: “I’m working hard to learn, to reach my potential, to get into a good college, a really good college. I get along with my basketball teammates—which will look good on my college applications. At some point, I’ll have the time and energy to focus on helping others. Right now, though, I need to stay focused on getting into college. My parents agree.”
It’s good to have goals. It’s good to be focused on reaching your potential and on getting into a good college. But your goals don’t have to exclude helping others. Helping others doesn’t take hours—it usually takes seconds or minutes and it’s a way of living. Being known as someone who shows “love and care” (Flourishing Schools, p. 15) will look good on your college applications—the opposite won’t.
God says we are to love our neighbors—and keep in mind that part of reaching your potential, of flourishing, is helping others flourish. It looks like an unintended consequence of your goals could be being self-absorbed. Not good. Really good colleges are not looking for self-absorbed students.
(2) Staff: “I’m so glad my high schoolers are learning. My efforts to provide engaging instruction and simple behavior guidelines (‘Be kind, respectful, hardworking, and self-controlled’) are paying off. And I’ve worked to provide more effective feedback on my students’ work. That’s good enough, right?”
Your hard work is paying off! I’m glad your high schoolers are learning. And giving even more effective feedback is great! Looks like your students are doing pretty well as students, and I’m wondering how they are doing as people. I’m wondering how aware you are of your “students’ struggles at…home” (Flourishing Schools, p. 15). And I’m wondering how you would feel if your supervisor only interacted with you about work—didn’t show interest in your personal life, didn’t show concern about health issues, didn’t know names of your family members. I wouldn’t like it. I wouldn’t think your students do, either. To put it another way, mentoring students helps them flourish (Flourishing Schools, p. 15).
(3) Leader: “To lead, I need to be good at everything. That’s challenging at times, but I put my best foot forward, and when I’m not good at something, I just try to be faithful and do my best.”
Hmmm. Sounds like you’re a solo leader who’s putting too much pressure on yourself. No one is good at everything. It also sounds like you need to practice “transparency about [your] weaknesses,” and need to use a team approach that allows “others to offset those weaknesses” (Flourishing Schools, p. 15).
Photo by Nataliya Vaitkevich
Question 4: What change(s) do you need to make to consistently experience healthy relationships and help others do the same? Please remember that ongoing change is part of flourishing, that you don’t need to do everything, and that you should start with yourself.
Options for changes related to healthy relationships include:
- Admitting your shortcomings and wrongdoings, and then asking for help and forgiveness.
- Showing your appreciation through handwritten thank you notes.
- Asking open-ended questions and then listening to understand (not to respond).
- Paying more attention to how others are doing emotionally.
- Practicing the 50/50 Rule: “[A]nything that bothers you at work is 50 percent your responsibility until you have asked for what you want” (A Minute to Think, p. 189).
- Asking others how you can be of help.
- Starting class with Daily Dedications.
Note: To help yourself successfully make a change, be sure to identify what helps you. What helps me includes taking online courses (like this free Outward Mindset course) and reading books (like The Culture Map and Radical Candor).
What about you?
- What comes to mind when you think of healthy relationships?
- What do healthy relationships at an international Christian school look like to you?
- What faulty assumptions might you need to address about healthy relationships?
- What change(s) do you need to make to consistently experience healthy relationships and help others do the same?
- What helps you make the changes necessary for experiencing healthy relationships?
Get flourishing!
Michael
Get Flourishing 