What’s the difference between unhealthy relationships and healthy relationships?

/ mkessenburg

Photo by Pixabay

You’re feeling sick. You’ve made it to the couch, pulled a blanket over your head, and then, just before you nod off, you remember that today is teacher appreciation day and that parents are bringing in special desserts for everyone. Bummer—being sick is no fun.

Unhealthy relationships aren’t fun either. Why? Because no good, very bad things happen in unhealthy relationships—while healthy relationships help us flourish. Let me explain:

Unhealthy relationships look like…Healthy relationships look like…
1. “I don’t feel trusted or that I belong—like I don’t matter.”1. “I feel like I matter. I’m trusted and feel like I belong.”
2. Lying and gossip.2. Speaking the truth in love.
3. “It’s not every day, but I feel a bit bullied, subtly manipulated, and sometimes disrespected.”3. “I feel safe, heard, and respected.”
4. Invulnerability.4. Vulnerability.
5. Listening to respond, giving unsolicited advice, focusing on self, and dishing out judgment.5. Listening to understand, asking questions, focusing on others, and giving encouragement. 
6. Siloed soloists.6. Empowered teams.
7. “I don’t really like the people here—they seem a bit proud and lazy, and they don’t have people smarts.”7.  “I like the people I work with—they’re humble, take initiative, and have people smarts.”
8. Command and control.8. Trust and inspire.
9. “My boss has an inward mindset and treats me like I’m a thing—an obstacle that gets in her way or an appendage to do her bidding.”9. “My supervisor has an outward mindset, treats me as a person, and wants me to use my gifts.”
10. Chaos.10. Boundaries.
11. “Do conflict? No way! Conflict is definitely something I avoid.”11. “Conflict is healthy. When done right, it helps us pursue the best idea.”
12. Criticism, contempt, and defensiveness.12. Gentle sharing, appreciation, and taking responsibility.

Bottom line? Unhealthy relationships aren’t good for you. Healthy relationships help you flourish.

What is developing relationships with others like for you? For me, developing relationships with others takes effort. I’m a task-oriented, introverted dreamer who’s not good at paying attention to what’s going on around me and not good with names (though I am good at paying attention to what’s going on in my own head and to numbers). 

And apparently, I’m a slow learner. It wasn’t until my mid 50s that I consistently greeted people by name and started off conversations by sincerely asking how they were doing. (Yeah, I know. Sounds like kindergarten stuff. A bit embarrassing, but apparently I’m able to be vulnerable…) Thankfully, God isn’t done with me yet!

Something that helps me develop healthy relationships is being aware of and appreciating differences—like differences in personality, work styles, love languages, gifting, and cultural backgrounds. As a US citizen who has spent most of my life in Japan and who has worked with colleagues from variety of countries (including Japan, India, Zimbabwe, New Zealand, Costa Rica, Russia, Indonesia, Canada, Brazil, and Korea), I’ve experienced how cultural background impacts relationships in terms of:

  • How trust is developed (task-based or relationship-based).
  • How communication is handled (low context vs. high context)
  • How decisions are made (consensual vs. top down).
  • How negative feedback is given (directly vs. indirectly).

To learn more about how cultural backgrounds impact relationships, read The Culture Map.

What about you? What do unhealthy and healthy relationships look like to you? What is developing relationships with others like for you? What differences do you need to be aware of and appreciate in the international Christian school setting?

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Get flourishing!

Michael